Answered Prayers!

Tonight were having a party up here on the 6th floor, because IT'S DRAINED!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

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Of course there are many details I want to go back and recount but I'm about to fall over so they'll have to wait. To make a long story short, her tube started draining more & I was concerned with the change, so I pestered the nurses and Matt pestered CT surgery and they finally came and worked on the line for 30 minutes and in the process, doubled her drainage from the last 6 days! 

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So I'm the end, it's drained!! If her pneumothorax is unchanged, and her fluid hasn't reaccumulated, if her labs look good and the draining has stopped, they'll remove the tube tomorrow and she could be discharged by Thursday! God is so good! There simply aren't enough words and exclamation points. 🎉🎉🎉

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Ups and Downs

These two pictures bookended a difficult day for E. She was up early for a chest X-ray and a blood draw for labs, and then learned not only is the fluid still there, but she's now developed a pneumothorax (a small hole in her upper left lung) thanks to the therapy she endured to try to re-inflate it. Ugh. 

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This was followed by the news that she was to be NPO (couldn't eat or drink) and might go for surgery in the afternoon. While both of those decisions were eventually delayed by a day in favor of increasing her diuretics, it made for a hard morning of frustration, disappointment, sadness and anxiety. 

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Now that she's 12, she knows the pain that she's facing. She realizes that Dr.s smile and are friendly, then have to poke and prod. And she knows that she feels crummy and it feels like it's never going to end. 

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The afternoon improved with the visit of her sisters, a winning game of Hospital Bingo, a short visit by a doting friend and the arrival of BOTH of her grandmas into her room for "the changing of the guard"! (My mom leaves tomorrow and Matt's mom is here for the next 9 days. 

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Obviously, she ended the day on a much higher note, but we would appreciate continued prayers! That pesky fluid is still hanging around. She'll have surgery tomorrow if it isn't resolved. She is on large doses of diuretics, so pray that she would be free of complications! Pray for grace for Matt as he has to see patients 3 days this week. And pray for continued health and restorative rest for all of us. 

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Though this feels difficult, there are many ways in which we feel so blessed...available grandmas, healthy bodies, stable work and living situations, incredible support from friends and family, our church and colleagues. May we continue to find and receive the nourishment of peace and grace from this, our daily bread. 

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Day 5 and counting...

Today the adrenaline officially ran out. 

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As if He knew it would happen, God filled our day with many sweet graces. I will share more tomorrow, but tonight I'm out of words. 

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We continue to need prayer for Elizabeth's chest tube to drain all that excess fluid. Elizabeth is doing her very best with all the exercises and therapies, but it's simply not budging. Before it can get infected, the team will want to place an additional tube, which would require another surgery and a return to the PICU, and were eager to avoid that if possible. Tonight she developed another fever, and that always puts us on pins and needles, so please continue to pray for protection from infection! 

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Finally, we all need stamina and grace for this journey. Matt will be back to seeing patients this week, so the juggling of time and attention will continue. As we fall into bed tonight, I'm thankful for the sufficient grace that is promised to meet and fill our moments and hours tomorrow. 

Goodnight precious friends. 💗, Sara

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Go Elizabeth, Go!

Today was a day of encouragement.  It began with a great night of sleep for everyone! 🙌🏼 when I came up for Dr's Rounds, I brought up all the cards, notes & pictures I've been accumulating, and now her room looks super cheerful! She said, "wow! There are a lot of people who love our family!" Wow, indeed. 💗💗💗

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What you can't see is our dear angel-auntie Elisabeth, who brought lunch and showered our Elizabeth with attention and conversation. Meanwhile, Matt got a shower and a date with Hannah Mae to baseball practice while I was able to pay some bills and catch up on work & Granna and Ruby got some one on one time together, so it was a blessing for ALL of us! 

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Thanks to generous friends, we enjoyed our favorite pizza from @antika_pizzeria for dinner and then got to take our first family walk with Elizabeth's new and improved heart! Her sisters enjoyed driving the IV pole and holding the telemetry monitor and she was a good sport, pointing out the playroom, the room where her new three week-old friend is staying, and her absolute favorite, the Kosher Kitchen!  Because it is Shabbat, there were many men gathered to pray and she thought that was super interesting! 

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While she's healing well, she's still got almost a kilo of extra fluid sitting around her lungs and heart, so we need that to start draining so she can get her chest tube out, the last major hurdle before discharge. Would you pray that she would have stamina to do all the activities to help it drain? Also pray that her chest x-ray tomorrow morning would show that improvement! We are still hoping and praying that we're home in time for Easter, so fluid, "be gone!"

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Thanks everyone. As Elizabeth appropriately observed, we know that there are a whole lot of people praying for and loving on us, and we sure feel it. 💗

💗, sara

New Day, New Mercies

This girl. What a rockstar! The two of us had a pretty rotten night. There was some confusion about her regimen, so she got behind on her pain meds, and as a result woke up every 30 minutes anxious, thirsty and in pain. She developed a low grade fever and we couldn't help but worry about a possible infection or developing pneumonia.
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All I can say is, Praise God for mornings!
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
~Lamentations 3:22-23
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This morning we were able to make some changes during rounds. Best of all, that means better pain management! We also have a super competent nurse and a support squad that arrived throughout the morning with coffee, snacks, hugs, lunch, some laughs, more coffee and prayers! As a result we got a pretty uncomfortable IJ Line removed, managed to get her up and walking...2 1/2 laps so far🙌🏼🎉...and then she sat up for 2 hours! As a reward for all that hard work, she got to introduce her OT to The Greatest Showman. 😍
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She's looking forward to hosting her sisters for dinner again, and we're even beginning to believe we might be home by Easter...what grace.
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Thank you so much for your continued prayers. As you can tell, there are lots of highs and lows and big swings between pain and comfort. This journey is not for the faint of heart, so it's a good thing our Joy-Child has a strong one! 💗💗💗

A Whirlwind Day

What a difference 24 hours makes! When I left Elizabeth last night to tuck in the girls at home, she was stable, but pretty miserable. She wanted water which she couldn't have, and no position was comfortable. His residency (read: sleep under any condition) training made Dr. Daddy the best candidate to sleep in the ICU meanwhile, I got to comfort sweet hearts at home and then had the luxury of my own bed.
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I arrived this morning to learn that today would less like a spa day and more like boot camp for our sweet girl. Her post-op chest x-ray showed her lungs hadn't fully inflated so she needed to take deep breaths (painful) to try to expand them, AND she needed to sit up and get moving a bit to help her get rid of some of the post-anesthesia air-bubbles which were pretty painful! Let's just say she was not excited about "the plan" coming from rounds.

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Fortunately, our girl does really well with incentives, so between daddy and I we got right to work: a sip of water after 3 deep breaths on the "incentive spirometer", a movie & a fresh set of french braids for sitting up in bed, another movie for moving to the chair! Well, her hard work paid off. She got through a bedding change, a surgical dressing change, fought through icky nausea all morning and finally held down a croissant! This afternoon she was delighted to talk all about E.T. with our sweet friend who arrived with lunch and treats in-hand, enjoyed some reading, snoozed through 4 movies, got her arterial IV taken out, moved from the "pain pump" to oral pain meds and she is now discharged from the PICU & resting comfortably in our private room in new Pjs after a dinner-time visit with Granna, Ruby & Hannah!

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You can imagine how tired she is! It was a banner day for our girl. It's hard to believe she's only 1 day away from open heart surgery and doing so well! God is so good!

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Please continue to pray for deep, restorative rest for our Weary Warrior and her exhausted parents. Pray for protection from infection, good pain management and for clear and healthy lungs. Pray for Hannah & Ruby's hearts to be filled with peace and assurance as they ride this roller-coaster with us. Finally, continue to pray for supernatural hope and trust surround and sustain us. We have been down many harrowing paths and it is easy to guard our hearts so we're not blindsided by heartbreak.

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We are so thankful for your emails, texts, messages of encouragement and prayers. We are so amazed at your care for us.

With so much love and humble gratitude,

Sara, for all of us

It’s fixed!

She's done!  The surgeon's report is that the surgery was successful. It was more complicated because her heart is "atypical" but he said, "it's fixed". So we'll take that! 

She's intermittently awake & vacillates between surprisingly coherent and cranky & uncomfortable. At the moment she's dozing through the end of ET. 💗She's got a great team here in the ICU so I'm going to sign off and be with my baby girl. Thank you for your thoughts, encouragement and prayers for our family. 

 

💗Sara

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Checked In

We ran through the beginning of the snow to catch our Uber. Now she's all checked in and settled down watching ET for the first time. 💗 In good news, it looks like we may get bumped up and go back to the OR a bit earlier, which would be a huge blessing! The sooner she forgets that she's hungry the better!

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From where I sit, I can see two slivers of the nor'easter sweeping across the Northeast. But we're warm and cozy, the girls are warm and cozy at home with Granna and now we just wait. Thank you so much for your emails and texts, and especially for your prayers. 💗

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T-minus 24 hours

So grateful for some one-on-one time with both Hannah and Ruby yesterday and today. Everyone is a bit on pins and needles, but overall, hearts are calm and we're all eager to get on the other side of the surgery in order to get the lay of the land.  We enjoyed a yummy dinner from friends and topped it off with Elizabeth's favorite: strawberries and whipped cream, to celebrate the first day of Spring. 

This afternoon we found out  we are scheduled to register at 9am. Elizabeth's the second case, so she'll go back to the OR in the afternoon. It'll make for a long morning of not eating or drinking, but it will be really nice not to have to rouse her at 5am to get there early. Also on the bright side, after years of pre-op eating and drinking restrictions, she's become a real champ and will hopefully be easily distracted by unlimited media time while she waits. 

Please pray for deep rest for all of us overnight and that this crazy nor'easter wouldn't cause any complications! So thankful we can trust in God's perfect timing tomorrow. I'll be posting updates via social media and on our blog. (Link in profile)Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement. They mean the world to us! 

PS -can you see that the moon 🌙 is really still round 🌝? Still reminds me of our sweet Ava Bean and our Faithful God💗

💗, 

Sara

Pre-op: ✅

Echo ✅
mama got coffee ✅
EKG ✅
a new book & art kit from the pre-op nurse ✅
urine ✅
blood ✅

lunch with daddy ✅
chest X-ray ✅
& now Home Sweet Home, where dinner from friends is in the fridge and where homeschool with Granna looks like math, piano, writing, games & sportsmanship & mani-pedi's!
*
When Ava was alive, we held onto Deuteronomy 7:9. So often we needed to remember (and still do) that the God who was faithful during all of Elizabeth's hospitalizations was STILL the Faithful One who would guide and provide for us in all the unknowns. How fitting that today's verse in my Bible App was Deuteronomy 7:9. He is gently reminding me that He intends to be faithful once again.

Pre-Op Day

And we're off for Pre-op Day! We ran into our darling neighbors on our way out of our building and E got to walk toward the subway together with her friends. A sweet gift at the beginning of this long day.

A *Date* of Sorts

Matt took the younger girls to baseball practice so thought I could take advantage of some one on one time with Elizabeth before Granna (my mom) arrived this evening. So I asked her if we could have a date.

She said no.

I reminded her that all 12 year olds love mother/daughter dates. She said "I don't". 😂 #toomuchattention.

I asked her to pleeeeese let me take her and she said, "as long as we can call it an errand instead" 🙄 #fine #youwin #sheesh #notgettingmyfeelingshurt

We ran my errand and then visited Barnes & Noble for a chai latte and some time with books! Thankfully, she found one about the childhoods of over a dozen famous authors and she's as happy as a clam!

Note to self: books not clothes are the way to this girl's heart. 💗💗💗

Overwhelmed, but Not

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and they will not overwhelm you. 

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2

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I find myself overwhelmed these days. 

Overwhelmed with gratitude for all the sweet encouragement, prayers and offers of support.

Overwhelmed with awe at how God continues to place our next steps before us. 

Overwhelmed with how to continue in the present, making faithful progress in school while knowing  a big question mark lies eight days ahead of us. 

Overwhelmed with how to best organize help and home care, a hospital stay and care for tender hearts. 

I told a friend, I feel like I'm waiting to go into labor, but with none of the happy reward.  I guess you can why we’re weary as we simultaneously try to remain present and thoughtfully prepare for the unknown.

Yet, though we feel overwhelmed, we are not overwhelmed.  

We have walked through so many fires. We have passed through so many waters and God has been present and faithful and carried us.  So amazingly, while we look ahead and wonder how it will all come together, we are actually feeling tremendous peace.

You, our friends and family have been a tangible expression of that sufficient grace that is promised to us every day. Please know that while my bandwidth to respond feels limited, I read every text and email and am humbled that you carry us in your hearts. So many of you have asked how you can help. Thank you. Here's what's coming...

My mom arrives on Saturday to help manage the girls and their school schedule and help keep things as normal as possible for them. 

Monday we'll spend all day at Children's undergoing pre-op tests and procedures. 

To help with meals at home, a friend has created a meal calendar for us at:

http://www.signupgenius.com/go/10c0844abac2ea4ff2-help

Last week a dear friend threw us a Heart Party. What a sweet time it was. 

Finally, in an effort to support us practically, other friends have given gifts through Venmo (@sara-harms-2) or Paypal (mattsaraharms@gmail.com) to help with hospital meals, coffee, laundry, grocery delivery and other needs as they arise.  More than anything we treasure your prayers and your friendship. 

Fog and Sunshine

When we learned that she would need surgery, our first concern was how we'd share the news with Elizabeth.  She's been through so many surgeries and procedures and knows the reality of a painful recovery.  We both felt at peace about simply giving her the basic facts and not filling in too many of the harrowing details for her mind to dwell on, but were praying about the right timing.  Well, we've already seen our prayers being answered!  Early in the week, Elizabeth asked out of the blue if we'd gotten the results of the pulmonary stress test she had in January. 

That was the open door I needed to tell her that in fact we had! I shared that we might have an explanation for her low energy and stamina. I shared that her oxygenated blood isn't all getting to the correct side of her heart and by God's providence there is an expert at Columbia who can correct what needs to be fixed.  She was excited about the fact that both of her heart surgeons are Lebanese, but was not convinced that the surgery would give her more energy. In fact she argued that she might still want to be "couch restive", her word for just chilling on the couch instead of being up and active. HA! She keeps me on my toes, but that peaceful conversation and her calm response were pure grace.

This was one of many moments this week when God showed us that he is going to care for us and faithfully lay down the path before us one step at a time.  

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you;  he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8

Though my heart feels at peace, my subconscious is clearly working on things because I'm foggy and exhausted! All I want to do is veg and binge watch Net-flix. Sigh. But that clearly wouldn't work for our school curriculum, so mid-week I did what would be good for my body and soul and joined our little crew for our Homeschool Running Club's 5K!

These mamas show up every week with their kids (babies and toddlers too!) to run with the girls and me at Riverbank State Park.  Over the past 6 months we've gotten stronger and even Elizabeth has worked her way up to jogging a mile! This is HUGE for her! On Wednesday we took advantage of a 70 degree day to walk/run a 5K along the Hudson. As we wait for surgery, we so appreciate diversions like this! 

We are so grateful for friends and sunshine and all your support and prayers. 

Goodnight Friends.

Elizabeth's Heart

For those of you who are subscribed here, you received an unexpected post a few days ago. *Someone* must have hijacked our account because it was a surprise to me too! However, it was the nudging I needed to share with you the latest news about our precious Elizabeth Joy and that mighty heart of hers.

Two years ago during a screening for pulmonary hypertension, we learned that Elizabeth has a Partially Anomalous Pulmonary Venus Return. Translated for the rest of us that means a few of her pulmonary veins are improperly connected to the right side of her heart instead of her left side.  As a result, she's not getting enough oxygenated blood where she needs it and the right side of her heart is having to work too hard with all that extra blood.

In 2016, the effect on her heart and life was not great enough that the risks of corrective surgery were warranted.  However, in a follow-up cardiac MRI in January, it was obvious that her right heart is now enlarged enough to be problematic. In addition, any added increase in her overall blood pressure is extra taxing on her already compromised liver, and increases the risk of even greater problems down the road.

At the team's urging, we have scheduled Elizabeth for cardiopulmonary bypass surgery (open heart) on March 21.  We are processing the reality of that, grieving the fact that our brave girl will have to endure yet another painful surgery and recovery period, and at the same time marveling at how God has already made a path of peace ahead of us here.

*Because of Matt's career path, we are again being cared for by world class doctors at a world class Children's Hospital, attached to Matt's hospital (Columbia won't mind if I call it that, will they??)

*In the two and a half years that we've been here, we've developed an incredible community of friends and neighbors willing to step in and fill the gaps.

I will continue to post updates here, so feel free to subscribe if you'd like to know the latest.

Now, as we began in May of 2005, so we continue...We ask for your prayers for our dear girl.  We ask that her heart would be healed, that her doctors would have the wisdom and expertise they need, that her emotional heart would be protected from fear and that once again, we would see our faithful God weaving a beautiful story out of these painful threads.

All our love,
Sara

Home and happy

Thank you for your prayers! This was the smoothest procedure Elizabeth has had in a long while. She woke up from anesthesia and after only an hour and a half was alert and stable enough to head toward home. Our gracious friend brought the girls to the hospital to meet us and rather than grab Uber home, we walked the 10 blocks home along the river and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine. That alone is amazing since our "post-anesthesia Elizabeth" is rarely energetic enough for a walk. Finally another sweet friend just delivered dinner and hugs. We are again surrounded by grace.
 

While her varices are still present, they didn't need to be treated, and while we need to have many conversations with her Nephrologist, we are home and happy and those can wait for another day.

Thank you for carrying us in your hearts and for surrounding us with your prayers. Your friendship is precious to us.

Love,

Matt & Sara

She's at it again!

Good morning Friends!

Elizabeth is at it again! Now that we know her heart is healthy, and the last look at her liver showed her portal hypertension (increased blood pressure because of that clot in her liver) might be resolving, it's high time the Nephrologist got a look at the varices in her esophagus. So this morning around 10, she'll be going under anesthesia again. Will you pray for a safe and "uneventful" procedure? Actually, we're praying for her varices to be completely gone! Will you join us? Elizabeth is a little nervous to go under so soon after her last procedure. Please pray for a peaceful heart. Ruby and Hannah will head to a friend's house (praise God for our new network of wonderful friends!) and as my mama would say, "if the Lord is willing and the creek don't rise" we'll all be home together again by this evening.

Thank you for your steadfast support and prayers. They mean the world to us. We're so thankful for your friendship and support!

love,

Matt, Sara & the girls

Heart, liver, spleen...oh my!

The results are beginning to roll in.  Overall the news is good. Thank you for your prayers and all your notes of support for us today. 

Elizabeth was a rock star. She was brave and cheerful and aside from waking up crabby and hungry (which she's allowed I guess) she was a delight all day! She had to lie still for 5 hours following the procedure, so it's a great thing that the sound of music is 3 hours 44 minutes long!

 

She rolled with all the events of the day like the champ she is.  We, on the other hand, are out of shape! Matt and I are pretty sacked after the long day of sitting and waiting, which probably indicates we're out of hospital practice, which is a great thing! If you want to know the nitty-gritty, here's my best effort before I crash...

The heart results are primarily positive: No pulmonary hypertension! She had the measurements indicating PH, but when they measured pressured inside her heart, everything is normal! That's great news!

Now for the crazy twist: Instead she has a pulmonary vein that's dumping oxygenated blood back into the right side of her heart (instead of into her left side) which is what caused the right side of her heart to grow mildly enlarged. (It's doing extra work!) But the surgery to repair it is dramatic (open heart) and since she's asymptomatic, it's not dangerous, sooo we see cardiology every 6 months and watch it...

In the grand scheme, it's better than a PH diagnosis and they got extra pictures of her repaired aorta (from her surgery at 3 days old) and confirmed that her mitral valve and aortic root are stable.

So we are happy with that!

Her liver biopsy results will take some time, but it appears based on the measurements they took while inside, that while the clot/scar tissue remains in place, her portal hypertension is stable! This could be due to the outstanding number of varices she has, so we have to get her endoscopy scheduled to check on those, but this too is a sign of forward progress.

There were some differences in the results of a recent MRI and precious ultrasound of her abdomen, so Matt asked and they agreed to do a repeat ultrasound to answer some questions  (Horray for multitasking!) At times if felt like she was getting her 60k mile check up!

So that's the low-down. She remains a unique and quite a medical marvel, and we are grateful that she's home tonight, full of joy and peace, though a little sore at the two entry sites. Tomorrow she plans to spend the whole day with grandma, and as her teacher, I've decided that might just be in the lesson plans. 

Goodnight friends!
 Love, Matt & Sara

A Procedure for Elizabeth

In the midst of a new address, a new job and new everything, one thing hasn't changed: our need for prayer and God's mercy over Elizabeth's health. By far the most complicated component to our move has been getting Elizabeth up and running with an entirely new set of doctors. She needs a lot of specialists! Fortunately, as a result of Matt's academic career, we've been at some amazing Children's Hospitals, and Children's Hospital of New York is no different.

The blessing and the curse of a new set of eyes on our sweet girl is that no one is content with what had come to be considered her "baseline", so we're running tests and investigating symptoms afresh. That has meant more appointments, pricks and tests, and we're once again amazed at Elizabeth's courage and steadiness through it all. 

Recently, her echocardiogram revealed that the right side of her heart is mildly enlarged and would indicate that it's having to work too hard to pump blood into her lungs. The only way to determine if she truly does have pulmonary hypertension is to do a heart cauterization under anesthesia and measure the pressures in each chamber. If she has PH she will need medication and special considerations whenever she's under anesthesia. The link between portal hypertension (increased blood pressure due to the clot in her liver) and pulmonary hypertension in children is a more recent discovery and she was only screened for it because CHONY has recently set up a protocol for when a 10 year old comes in with portal hypertension!

Elizabeth's heart cath is scheduled for tomorrow, Feb. 25th, and because her Dr. Daddy is on the case, he advocated to have a necessary liver biopsy done at the same time (one fewer trips to dreamland!) Her liver biopsy will help determine if, after years of regular endoscopies, Elizabeth is a good candidate for a liver transplant (another case of a "new set of eyes and a new plan").  So would you pray for our dear girl? She's the first case so we're scheduled to arrive first thing tomorrow morning. Grandma Harms has leaped to the rescue and will fly in today to stay with Ruby and Hannah and help us to manage any surprises. 

With all the fun adventures and exciting changes, it's easy--even for us--to forget Elizabeth remains in rather fragile health. She bears is with courage and grace so sometimes we don't fully grasp how many things she has going on.  But this one feels big and slightly overwhelming, as He has so many times before, we need God to sustain our family and carry our little one through.

Thank you for your prayers! We'll keep you posted!

Love, 

Matt & Sara

New Shoes & What They Taught Me About Laying Down Shame

What good is being shame-free when I don't feel shame-free?

After my revelation of grace, I knew the truth. I knew scripture said I was free of shame...that no accusation could stick...that even in the midst of my failures, CHRIST in me was accepted, so I was accepted and beloved and even the object of his great delight and affection. But how could I keep remembering that when I exploded in anger, when I judged myself for my messy house, or was sucked into a comparison cycle on Facebook? That was tricky.

But then God told me about my new shoes.

God mostly speaks to me in pictures and metaphors. He knows they stay with me and it brings me such joy to unpack them and find surprising layers of application. I sit with them for weeks or months and it seems like everything gets filtered through my newest  insight. So my shoes...

If you've been around little girls, you know sparkly shoes are always on trend. No outfit is too casual, no activity too treacherous for sparkly Mary-janes.  Ruby, is especially fond of said sparkles and seems to find a way to wear them long after she's outgrown every other similarly sized shoe. She reaches for them them, even if they give her blisters and creases in her toes!

But in the spring of 2013, in the middle of a shame spiral, I pictured Ruby cramming her foot into those old shoes and envisioned my own demeanor as I crouched down beside her to say, "Let me take those, Honey. Those old shoes don't fit anymore. But these, they're new! Here, take them! They fit! You can dance and play and be free! Give me those old shoes and I'll toss 'em. They had their time, now it's time for something new."

Isn't that like us?  We love the security of the familiar. Even when it doesn't fit anymore or even hurts us every time we reach for it. Even broken patterns can feel deceptively comfortable. Anger, blame, martyrdom, control, self-comfort that justifies and leaves no room for self-reflection.  The small measure of comfort we gain from these tools seems to outweigh the cost...but it doesn't really, does it? 

Before becoming shame-free, I would have condemned myself for all the things I should have done, and yet again, I failed to do. Overwhelmed with a homeschool decision I should have faced head on, instead I binge-watched Netflix. I mismanaged my time and then lashed out at the girls for being slow to get out the door. I didn't take care of myself and then felt crappy and crabby and who was to blame? It was my own fault, right? All my old tools led right into a shame cycle and I was defenseless against the accusations leveled by the accuser. (My girl Christa zeros in on this cycle in this beautiful post.)

But what if our Father is crouched beside us in that moment. Not with judgement and exasperation, but with delight and affection and brand new shoes! "Sister, lay down that anger, you're flawed, and your kids are flawed and I put you together to teach and receive grace". "Sweetheart, they require more patience than you have because I have MORE I want to give to you! Come to me and receive. Put on these new shoes...the fruit of my Spirit dwelling in you."  This is what God has been saying to me in the last few years. The truth is, He's been saying it all along, but finally I'm hearing Him! Finally, I'm believing I can just set down the old shoes with their shame and guilt over all my failures and imperfections and receive my new shoes full of a thousand second chances, grace to cover my inadequacies, and the truth that if Christ-in me is absolutely enough, then I AM ENOUGH!!

And the most insanely amazing part is, every single day, I get to choose! A hundred times a day I get to reach for my new shoes of freedom, and permission and beloved-ness...and then when I forget and try cram my foot back into perfectionism and striving for approval, I get to hear him say, "Darling girl, let me have those old shoes. Here, take these...Dance. Be goofy! Be bold! Be beautiful!"
 
Be free!