Moments of joy, moments of quiet. Many moments of fog and silent prayers through weary lips. Lord please...carry me.
Leaves turn on the trees and I wait for a turning in me. To feel different, to break through into a new stage.
But the missing and the ache and the sadness sits over me like the Central Valley fog I grew up with. And the margins fill up and for days and weeks I feel the lump there, growing in my throat. My need to be with her, love her and miss her.
In a rare moment of quiet today, I re-read the journal entry below from December 6, 2010. God brought me into a place of rest, four days before finding out I was pregnant with Ava. Today, I revisit the places where God has spoken and I have heard. Places where He has loved me with life-giving Truth.
What if I believed this is how it is supposed to be?
What life this side of heaven is supposed to look like...chaotic, disheveled, small successes, frequent interruptions...this messy version of beautiful?
To believe that You created me for this, You're shaping me in this, that You're drawing me through this toward You, would be a kiss of rest and peace and contentment. I long for that. On one hand, to stop navel gazing to see what I am doing wrong that I can fix so life will get smoother. On the other hand, to cease constantly seeking, searching for what someone else has--a trick, a fix, a tool, a method--that I'm missing, that will make my life "work". And why do I believe it's not working?? Because it's not easy. It doesn't look like the blogs I read and photos I pin. It's not perfect. But isn't that what grace is for?
I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. My house isn't perfect. My life is messy. And the shame, the condemnation, the stress that the goal of perfect produces, is unbelievably heavy.
God, can I give you that burden? The burden of rightness, perfection, and ideal?
The one you died for, because of what I couldn't be and what I couldn't do? And could I receive the truth that you're not waiting for me to get it right?
Oh Lord, I just need heaps and heaps of grace. For days that go as planned, and ones that get lost in the grind. To release my ideals and plans to you and know you are lovingly working and weaving in everything to make me more like you. Every bit of this is Grace.
For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with us in our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. ~Hebrews 4:15-16