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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Where I want to be

The day after Ava's service, Matt and his brothers drove their Mom the funeral services for Great-grandpa Jost in Kansas. My mom stayed for an extra week to help us transition to our new normal.  Now Matt is back at work and things are "going fine". The girls are doing well, in fact. After a few nights of waking up and needing extra snuggles, Ruby is more at ease. Elizabeth has mostly recovered from her pneumonia and is enjoying a more relaxed summer schedule. All the girls talk about Ava frequently and we actually have more space to be present for's peaceful here...but life isn't the same, and we're sad.

We're doing some "normal life" and that's ok...but as we go to the library, swim in the pool, work in the garden and try to make grocery just feels somewhat hollow. We're being kind to ourselves, and giving each other room to be where we're feels like we're doing all the right things....but none of it feels "good" in reality.

I don't want to move on. I want to stay right here. Where she was, and where the hole remains--a witness to her presence. To stop grieving her feels like it would mean losing part of the all-to-short experience I have with her.  So I don't want to be okay yet.

God, let me dream of her in heaven tonight
Dimpled cheeks and open eyes, full of light

Legs strong and graceful, dancing twirls
Golden hair surrounding sweet face with curls

While I am--with full heart and empty arms--asleep,
Fill my mind with dreams of her to keep.

1 comment: said...

Letting go and grieving is such a process. I felt similar to what you describe when my brother died. Normal was not normal anymore. I had to accept that, as did my parents. It is difficult, but not impossible with the Lord's help.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all do it differently, at our own pace, in our own way. It is normal not to want to let go and be okay. I am praying for you, Matt and the girls to grieve the way you each need to and for the sweet and strong presence of Jesus to flood you all with His peace.