Blog Archive

Friday, June 15, 2012


I should be comfortable with the paradox by now. It is, after all, the theme of this blog, and our journey over the past six years. Promise and sorrow intermingle. Beauty and pain coexist. Holland has Rembrandts and Tulips, premature births provide extra time with precious babies, a move far from family brings an experience of community.

Today is no different. We carry with us the emptiness that Ava left behind. Yet in that space, there is much peace as we find moments to be present together with our three daughters in ways we frankly have always dreamed about.

Yesterday I came downstairs and the was struck again by the awful reality that the three girls playing picnic in the living room were all my children. No little sister would grow up to join them. Moments later, Hannah and Ruby proudly showed off the pile of books they'd emptied from their bookshelves and assembled in the center of the room. I realized I didn't have anything else to do, so we sat, and read books together.

Ava's care was so all consuming.

I would resume it again in a heartbeat.

But the reality is, She doesn't need me right now. Instead, her sisters have me now, available to them in a way that blesses all of our hearts. I can grieve her passing AND thank God for the gift of time with the daughters I have with me. I can miss Ava every moment while also feeling grateful that our new normal includes space for buying our first pet, "girls-day" trips to the salon for summer hair-cuts, growing vegetables and spontaneous outings to the zoo. 

There is grace to do both.

1 comment:

Amy said...

We love you guys so much and we miss AVA too. I miss reading about her and adoring her beautiful pictures. Ava has brought God to us again and we are so thankful to be apart of her life. I'll never walk into children's without thinking of her. I am so happy you are enjoying your days with the girls. I know what kind of attention ava required and how much time you must feel you have free now. I know you'd change it all if you could. You're a great mom wife and friend. I thank God I meant you and your family. I'll always remember the day I meant ava she was eating like such a big girl and her room in the nicu was lined with super small diapers that she once fit into. She will always be in our thoughts. We love you and pray for you everyday!