About a year ago, I took a short break from my bed rest and sat through the worship time at our church's Easter Service. I asked God to heal me, and He did. The clot that was endangering my pregnancy and our 21 week old baby resolved and I knew in that moment that God had answered my prayers.
Following such a miracle, the year that followed has been so very different than I imagined it would be. Hope and heartache have been intermingled. I truly believed I was completely healed and my pregnancy would soon become "normal". Instead what followed was more bleeding, preterm labor, hospitalizations and eventually the delivery of our little angel at 24 weeks and 5 days. Ava was large and healthy for a micro-premie. She was "perfect" in every way. Then, she wasn't. Her hydrocephalus was a terrible shock. Her diagnosis with Alexander's disease was another blow. I am no closer to understanding the mystery of prayer or the miracle of healing, but I am amazed by how peaceful we feel today. And more and more I am understanding the reason for this peace.
I trust God's heart. Finally.
I don't understand why things seemed to resolve, only to get worse. I don't understand why any of this is happening. But the mercy of this moment is, I don't have to. I don't need to. In my best moments, I believe God is guiding this response and enabling our trust, and will--if it is required--give us more faith than we already have. Faith that would move us from knowing He can to knowing He will heal our little one. And so I simply stay here.
Be still and know that I am God.
God, you alone are God. You do all things well. Your ways are higher than my ways. There is none like you in all the earth. You ARE at work and will redeem all things and work them together for our good. You are behind and before us. And you are gently leading us.