But mentally, It's been a battle to try to let go of all the things I can't do, and give myself permission to do what feels like a whole lot of nothing. I have a running list of "shoulds" in my head....mentally prepare for baby #4, dig into scripture and have some all day time with the Lord, delve into some homeschooling materials and sort out my direction for the fall...but in the end, I also just want to escape and not think about anything...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
At every moment I wonder how I'm to provide for everything my kids need, my family needs...while feeling completely unable to do anything and make any progress. Then I'm reminded that it is not up to me to provide...I am a receiver and HE is the provider... Ann says it beautifully.
"What if we believed in the deep places, the darkest recesses, that He always provided — and not just barely, but abundantly?
Wouldn't we always be at peace — no matter what?"
That is part of what this is about for me. I thought I'd come to the end (or at least near it) of feeling like I was responsible for sustaining our crazy life...maintaining our crazy schedule...nourishing each of our uniquely wonderful girls...and then God allows me to discover it more deeply...to see that once again, I can't. I'm not enough. But He is.
We don't have a plan for how this will go if I'm on bed rest more than a few weeks. But I'm seeing God provide daily...meals, phone calls, caregivers, encouraging emails, a friend to do laundry, sweep my floor, get our groceries...there's no "master schedule", but instead, you call, offer, extend yourselves and each day I see how God provides. And this is teaching my heart of His goodness and His faithfulness and something more is sinking into place...trust.
"…There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. I don't…. [I]t's accepting there are things we simply don't understand. But He does. And I see. At least a bit more.
When we find ourselves groping along, famished for more, we can choose. When we are despairing, we can choose to live as Israelites gathering manna. For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna—a substance whose name literally means "What is it?"
Hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. They fill on that which has no meaning.
More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable.
They eat the mystery.
They eat the mystery."
So much of our life right now feels mysterious. Rather than run from it, or trying to organize it or make sense of it...I'm choosing to take it in...and allow God to fill me up.