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Monday, February 21, 2011

Which to do first? Where to start? How to start? Oh....and be on bed-rest...with 3 kids...sigh. I can't say that the last 2 weeks has been easy. On one hand, I don't know a mom out there who wouldn't love a week or two to put life on hold and do nothing...but "forced stopping"...6 feet away from where my life is happening and my children are growing and needing is actually pretty mentally exhausting. I'm so thankful that this rest has been effective. The baby appears to be safe and healthy, my nausea reminds me that things are "still happening" in there, and so good.

But mentally, It's been a battle to try to let go of all the things I can't do, and give myself permission to do what feels like a whole lot of nothing. I have a running list of "shoulds" in my head....mentally prepare for baby #4, dig into scripture and have some all day time with the Lord, delve into some homeschooling materials and sort out my direction for the fall...but in the end, I also just want to escape and not think about anything...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

At every moment I wonder how I'm to provide for everything my kids need, my family needs...while feeling completely unable to do anything and make any progress. Then I'm reminded that it is not up to me to provide...I am a receiver and HE is the provider... Ann says it beautifully.

"What if we believed in the deep places, the darkest recesses, that He always provided — and not just barely, but abundantly?

Wouldn't we always be at peace — no matter what?"

That is part of what this is about for me. I thought I'd come to the end (or at least near it) of feeling like I was responsible for sustaining our crazy life...maintaining our crazy schedule...nourishing each of our uniquely wonderful girls...and then God allows me to discover it more see that once again, I can't. I'm not enough. But He is. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

We don't have a plan for how this will go if I'm on bed rest more than a few weeks. But I'm seeing God provide daily...meals, phone calls, caregivers, encouraging emails, a friend to do laundry, sweep my floor, get our groceries...there's no "master schedule", but instead, you call, offer, extend yourselves and each day I see how God provides. And this is teaching my heart of His goodness and His faithfulness and something more is sinking into 

"…There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. I don't…. [I]t's accepting there are things we simply don't understand. But He does. And I see. At least a bit more.

When we find ourselves groping along, famished for more, we can choose. When we are despairing, we can choose to live as Israelites gathering manna. For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna—a substance whose name literally means "What is it?"

Hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. They fill on that which has no meaning.

More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable.

They eat the mystery.

They eat the mystery."

~ One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

So much of our life right now feels mysterious. Rather than run from it, or trying to organize it or make sense of it...I'm choosing to take it in...and allow God to fill me up.


The Haydens... said...

Sara Dear...I absolutely needed to hear this today, and it's got me sitting at my desk with tears running down my face. THANK YOU for sharing so openly -- it has blessed me and nourished me, too. I will do my best not to be envious of your down time. =P

Sara said...

Sara! How's your bump coming along?? I hope you're doing well...have you had an ultrasound yet? Hopefully you'll get to see & feel baby H's kicks and flips soon. I'm so glad you were encouraged...I'm amazed at how God continues to convict me that I need to be honest about our journey...and then uses my bread crumbs to encourage others. He's so good.

Jen said...

beautiful, sara! so encouraging! we love you guys, and seek that same trust.