After a long travel day on Saturday, I got the girls wound down and tucked in bed and drove up to see Matt and hold Ava into the New year. She took my breath away. She was so beautiful, and so painfully still and unresponsive. I wondered in my heart if by going to California I had lost the chance to ever see those blue eyes full of life again. I held her and prayed she could feel my love for her.
On Sunday I arrived while she slept on. I struggled with despair. It was one thing to pray for her from afar, but to hold her close and see the reality and horribleness of her situation filled my heart with such an ache. I cuddled her close and talked to her, willing myself to treat her like a healthy baby who could sense her mama was close. I turned on my favorite playlist of worship music and let it lift me from my discouragement.
Then she opened her eyes.
On Sunday I arrived while she slept on. I struggled with despair. It was one thing to pray for her from afar, but to hold her close and see the reality and horribleness of her situation filled my heart with such an ache. I cuddled her close and talked to her, willing myself to treat her like a healthy baby who could sense her mama was close. I turned on my favorite playlist of worship music and let it lift me from my discouragement.
Then she opened her eyes.
And coo'ed!
I held my breath. And she yawned.
Her tired eyes flitted around the room and she even seemed to look at me a few times. We sat like that for two hours. The shutter clicking, relief and gratitude filling my soul.
God is not finished yet! We're still in the fight!
it's like my heart breaks again each time I read a post, because I can only imagine everything that you are going through. I know that no one asks for these things to happen, and on any given day I am certain a sense of normalcy and consistent good health would be more than welcomed...and I know there's not much you wouldn't give to be lifted from this, but please know that you are such a beacon of light, a pillar... even though you probably don't want to be. You are a portrayal of God's grace and mercy as you walk out these steps as a family.
ReplyDeleteThe road of babies lost for us seems minimal, but as I click over here each day to see an update on your family, I pray and my heart is lifted...not because of your pain, but because of your perseverance and miraculous strength through it.
Thank you for continuing to walk this road, and for proclaiming God's goodness even when it seems like the opposite. It has held my spirit up on days when I felt like giving up.
I continue to pray for your family.
Sigh... thank you.
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